I went to the Verdi Pizzeria and Trattoria near the Aviators’ Statue with my parents yesterday.  I ate clams with tomatoes and had tiramisu and drank cappuccino for dessert, dessert first and clams with tomatoes afterwards.  Interesting, huh?  It was a celebration lunch, as I had just driven 400 km in a car I hadn’t driven before.  My parent called me courageous.  Perhaps I was, and it was my first such adventure.  And I have to say I passed it successfully.  Of those 400 km, the last 200 I drove without stopping, again prompting my parents to congratulate me.  My mother, I have to say, was rather nervous, but she let me do the driving nonetheless.  With only 400 km under my belt and having driven for long periods of time only since half a year ago after having my driver’s license since 1992, I can hardly call myself a skilled driver.  But I am learning, and I have discovered that driving is something that I enjoy.  

I participated in a Krav Maga bootcamp type training at the end of August.  It was exceptional.  We had two training classes a day and one day we actually had a four hour one.  The black belts actually had three training classes that day, the first one being at 5am.  We went to Cap Aurora, a little resort town on the Black Sea.  Our instructor, Nita Vasile 6 Dan in karate invited a master in Shotokan, a black belt with 8 dan instructor, Andrea Bove who was extremely skilled in handling knives, guns and ropes with a quickness that was uncanny.  The first day was a demonstration of skills along with exercises for us to try.  Throughout the training camp, we learned how to defend ourselves from punches, knives and guns.  I have to say that I missed the four hour training class which I have heard it was the most interesting concentrating on defenses against guns and knives.  I actually had a prior arrangement which could not be postponed.  I am looking forward to another training camp in September possibly to the mountain side.

She thought she was playing with them all.  He passed by, looked at her and smiled.  She looked straight ahead, walked proudly without looking.  She thinks he felt guilty.  He felt guilty because he had had a crush on her and she didn’t respond or like him back.  He felt guilty because he had passed her once before and gave her an ugly look.  And he thinks it may have affected her.  It didn’t.  She had other problems.  She liked another man and he was married.   She was overwhelmed by her surroundings and it was too much for her to take.  But she did fall, in love, from grace whatever it was, there was a disappointment. 

Sometimes she thinks of him, the man with the ugly look on his face.  She thinks that he was evil behind his handsome exterior, but she tries to understand.  He had everything he could have wanted, money, wife and two daughters, adoration from other women, a good profession, friends, yet he was unhappy in the life he had built.  Looking back so was she. 

She tries to understand but she fails.  Why hate her so much?  Why retaliate with so much fervor? Just because she didn’t like him? He couldn’t have liked her, she thinks to herself.  He barely knew her, yet that didn’t stop her to like people she barely knew.  It’s a culture in certain places, where crushes are predominant in late adulthood among people who never grew up.  Was that all it was? Did he feel inferior to the man she actually liked?  Perhaps.

It’s funny how she remembers his strange look after all these years, four of them to be precise, his ugly look which uncovered his soul, as black as tar, his empty soul.  Perhaps she was a temptress; she certainly enjoyed that status for while.  Perhaps she caused that blackness to emerge. 

She was like Malena.  She was a real temptress.  Every man was in love with her.  Every woman hated her.  But she loved only one man, a man out of her reach.  She was a dreamer, she fascinated, she was a stranger in a stranger land where no woman could compare to her.  Now, there is barely a remnant of that beauty, a beauty covered by age, just a few pounds more, bags and darkness under the eyes and a more realistic composure.  No one loves her now, but no one hates her either.  She gave up a lot, but regained a life and peace of mind.

After he smiled at her, she passed by and later saw him.  He was walking a little slumped, as if he was beaten.  Perhaps he felt sorry for his former ugly thoughts.  She doesn’t wish to turn back time and smile back to reassure him. She would have felt that for the man she loved, but she didn’t see him, or his reaction.  Perhaps they were the ones playing with her. 

Chéri is an interesting belle epoque film with an unexpected ending.  The love affair between a courtesan, Lea de Lonval, and the son of another courtesan, Cheri, flourishes for six years after which the young lover has an arranged marriage.  The two former lovers never stop wanting and loving each other, discovering that after a painful separation.  After missing her, Chéri comes barging in on Lea in the middle of the night, professing his love.  In the morning however, things look differently.  This is a love story which is unusual and reminiscent of “Dangerous Beauty.”

I hope this message finds you and finds you well.  I have seen your picture, and I wanted to tell you what it inspires in me.  I love your eyes, your mysterious smile.  When first I saw you, I thought of my soul mate, someone to love me despite my faults, someone I can start fantasizing about and it would be ok, because you would do the same.  I feel I have known you forever.  Perhaps I am a fool, a romantic foolish man, but I hope it doesn’t matter. 

Perhaps you are now with someone else, I don’t know, but I would like to find out if there can ever be anything between us.  I want to make you happy, and hope that that smile on your face can be for me.  I want to take you to my world, but also live in yours.  Sometimes, there are sacrifices that we have to make to find something worthwhile, and I would in a second, and I hope you would too. 

I want to take your hand and lead us into the unknown.  I don’t know what life has in store for me, for you.  My life is an open book, yours a closed one.  I want to read the pages that define you and know them by heart.  I hope you will let me.  Your kindness tells me you will, your distance and at times aloofness makes me wonder.  I can imagine that you need your space, and I respect that, as I need mine sometimes.  I love that you give that to me.

I pray this letter finds you and makes you think of me.  I am but a man, who is looking for you, hoping you find your way to me.  I hope you keep that mysterious smile on your face, waiting for me until I can be yours.

I want to be his wife one day.  I imagine how happy and proud and free that would make me.  Out of infinite possibilities and dreams, this is one.

We will have affective independence to feel just as we feel.  We will have financial independence.  We will share a life together.  I will not doubt at all, and neither will he.  I will love and be loved in return.  I will have my space and he will have his to pursue the separate facets of our lives.  We will be apart when we need to and together when it’s possible.  We will miss each other and be in love twenty years into the relationship.  He will show me his world, and I will do that for him too.  He will help me just like I will help him to constantly improve ourselves, our spiritual facets.  We will not have to talk much, but we will nonetheless understand each other.  We will travel together to distant places of the world.  We will respect each other’s families.  We will cook for each other.  We will share chores together.  We will feel blessed together, without any regrets.  We will be happy.  We will have a small house together, and possibly a couple of kids.  He will love the things I love, as well as my past and present.  He will love my culture, and I will love his.  He will be of a different culture, but yet similar, part of my past.  I will help him be a better man, and he will help me be a better woman.  I will respect his need for privacy, and he will respect mine.  He will be faithful, and so will I.  He will be patient, and so will I.  We will build a life together. 

It will happen because it is meant to be and when it is meant to be.  It will believe it’s as if it has already happened.  I have to faithfully wait for this dream to be weaved into the tapestry of my life.

Yesterday I got my yellow belt is defensystem, a combination of Krav Maga, traditional karate and kickboxing.  I have to say I am really proud because out of 20 people, only 4 got promoted to a yellow belt.  During the exam, we each stood in front of the instructor doing the exercises he demanded of us like neutral stance, fighting stance, moving while punching and kicking.  We did rolls, body to body fighting, defenses from front and circular punches.  We also did defenses against choking and arm grabbing.  I have to say that I got punched in the nose once.  If I had been punched twice, I would have failed.  But alas, I passed and celebrated with my family.

I have seen what has become of my love interest.  Sometimes I think so much about whether the other person cares that I neglect to ask myself whether I care.  But today I asked myself that truthfully, and the answer was no. Perhaps I wanted him to care to make up for my lack of concern and interest.  I thought that maybe if he cared about me, I would care back.  Perhaps it does happen that way, the only way.  Love is mutual and perhaps he sensed my lack of interest.  I don’t know.  Perhaps I should have changed my life a little for him.  But I didn’t want to.  I wanted to wait and see if he deserved me.  But he did not; he wasn’t patient.  Life and love are all about give and take.  Perhaps I wasn’t willing to give more, but perhaps I was a little scared to. Perhaps I needed time.  It’s not good to feel fear, but the right man will understand that too and stick by me.  All in all, it wasn’t meant to be and I had sensed that before. 

Next time I will have more common sense and not begin to like someone unless I know him better.  Sometimes, I project upon a man an image of a man I would like to see and he inevitably falls short.  One day one man will not fall short.  It’s funny how you can like someone and then all of a sudden stop.  I think it’s healthy to stop.  Yet, I don’t feel empty, but a little disappointed yes.  He didn’t live up to my expectations.  And I wanted him to. 

Ok, all that façade and bravado is good, but I have to admit, I feel a little lonely.  How long will it take before I like someone else and someone likes me back?  It may take a long time, or an instant.  On the other hand, I also feel free.  I don’t have any responsibility to anyone. It’s a little sad, but I can’t help feeling alive.  I can’t wait to meet someone who is not easily influenced, someone strong, a real man.  Someone who sees much around him and he has much to pick from, but picks me nonetheless.  There is power in that.  It’s what I want.  It’s what I deserve.

When I was a young girl, I was a big Elvis Presley fan.  I had almost all his songs and tapes.  I simply adored him, but so did the whole world.  It was a pity that by the time I started to appreciate him he was no longer with us.  I had big posters of him adorning the walls of my room.  I read the book and saw the movie about his life.  I even told my dad to buy me a tape with one of his movies, and he bought me Jailhouse Rock for my birthday one year.  He went to London on a trip and bought it for me there.  I was ecstatic. We didn't even had a VCR.  It was the best birthday present ever, nonetheless.  Over the years, I started liking Julio Iglesias and Israeli singer Schlomo Atrzi, but now all these memories of my Elvis-adolescence are coming back to me, as I just started listening to him again.  I don't know why, but to my surprise there were songs that I never even knew about.  I thought I knew them all. He was a great performer with a wonderful voice, a golden voice like I call it sometimes.  My favorite is Suspicious Minds.  May he rest in peace.

I feel optimistic again.  I must have told the Universe enough positive things that the Universe is returning and sending me positive vibes.  I am looking forward to tomorrow.  Perhaps tomorrow I will see what has become of my love interest.  I cannot say that I am as interested as I was a couple of weeks ago.  Mostly it's because the Universe has sent me a signal that he is not the one.  I tried to ignore it, but now I can't. And anyways, there is another man in my mind now, the man of my dreams.  But I know that right now I have no hope whatsoever with this man. To my credit, I do have to say that I dream big.  I want things to work out by themselves the right way and only the right way.  And I hope I have enough discernment to tell whether it's right or wrong.  So far, it is wrong, but who can tell in the future?

Somewhere out there is my man going about his life and his business not even knowing who or where I am and perhaps not even looking for me.  Perhaps he is with someone else right now, happy.  I hope that he is.  I hope that if he is my man, he will know it one day.  Romantic ideas of a foolish girl, aren't they? Perhaps they are, but they keep me alive, and I won't settle for less.